These were copied from this week's SI:

1. Shaq, you shoot the technical.
2. Barry Bonds is the feel-good story of the year!
3. Sorry Mr. Daly, we are out of tofu.
4. So you'll be going straight from work to the Raider's game?
5. I'm sick of the NHL on every channel.
6. If anything happens to me,I want Don King to handle my estate.
7. I really miss the XFL.
8. No way the Yankees can afford him.
9. And once again, a Harvard man has won here at Talladega.
10. My problem is, I can't keep track of all the scoring in soccer.
11. Nah, Swayz says he doesn't want to go out tonight.